While I have left New York City’s 99 cent store epidemic that reeked havoc on my change purse behind, I’ve managed to find a gem or two when hopping around the country.
This fella comes from a 99 cent store in Los Angeles, where perhaps the allure of gracing the silver screen pulled this guy from the Orient with hopes and dreams of besting his collective idols (Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan, Jet Li, etc.) at the box office. Unfortunately, for our hero, a permanently affixed ninja mask and a club foot dashed the dreams of ever karate chopping overweight Italian mobsters while simultaneously rescuing the scantily clad and booberific heroine who somehow happens to be a virgin AND a Pulitzer prize-winning journalist.
So Chuck Norris Jr, donned his best yellow button up ‘onesie’, dragged his deformed appendage over to the local fire station, flexed his pecs, landed a job and was given the tools of the trade. Those tools happen to be a Gallagher-esque sledge-hammer, a circa 1930′s fire extinguisher that probably emits ammonia dust along with some Benny Goodman tunes, and a chain saw that seems to moonlight as a weapon of mass destruction (the blade diameter is at least 42in). They also equipped him with an ‘accident slow’ sign just in case the accident was happening too fast and a flashlight that looks a lot like He-Man’s scepter of power. It could also be an adult sex toy… or maybe a combination of both.
So watch out, Jean-Claude Van Damme, a new martial arts master is in town and nothing’s slowing him down. Except that sign… and possibly his gimpy leg.
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